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Joke of the Day

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Joke of the Day

Post by Guest on Sat Apr 18, 2009 4:12 am

During a visit to the mental asylum, I asked the director how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No." said the director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by Epiphany on Mon Apr 20, 2009 12:09 pm


A new nurse at a hospital was perplexed by Dr. Smith’s behavior. Off and on throughout her shift Dr. Smith would run up and down the hallway, yelling, “Tetanus, measles, flu”!

Very curious, the nurse asked the head nurse, “Why does Dr. Smith keep doing that?” “Oh, just ignore him,” the head nurse said.
”He thinks he calls all the shots around here.”

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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by Guest on Sat Apr 25, 2009 7:08 am

Whatta ya get when ya play a Country Western song backwards?


Yer dog comes back, yer wife comes back, yer Ma gets outta prison, yer horse comes home, and ya get yer pick-up truck back.

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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by Gawain on Sun Jun 28, 2009 12:56 am

How many Imperial Stormtroopers does it take to change a glow-panel?

Two. One to change it, and another to blast him with an ARC-trooper rifle and take the credit.
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by Gawain on Fri Feb 26, 2010 1:24 am

There was once a snail who was sick and tired of his reputation for being so slow. He decided to get some fast wheels to make up the difference. After shopping around a while, he decided that the Datson 240-Z was the car to get. So the snail goes to the nearest Datsun dealer and says he wants to buy the 240-Z, but he wants it repainted "240-S".


The dealer asks, "Why 'S'?"


The snail replies, "'S' stands for snail. I want everybody who sees me roaring past to know who's driving."


Well, the dealer doesn't want to lose the unique opportunity to sell a car to a snail, so he agrees to have the car repainted for a small fee.


The snail gets his new car and spent the rest of his days roaring happily down the highway at top speed. And whenever anyone would see him zooming by, they'd say "Wow! Look at that S-car go!"
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by Madeline Cauthon on Fri Feb 26, 2010 9:02 pm

Two old women met in the park.

One says to the other,"Did you come on the bus?"

The other old woman replied, "Yeah but I made it look like an asthma attack."
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by Madeline Cauthon on Sat Feb 27, 2010 2:03 pm

Gee remind you of anyone we know?


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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by Gawain on Sun Mar 07, 2010 2:01 am

These are reputedly real answers to questions on science tests.

When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide.

Water is composed of two gins, oxygin and hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water.

Nitrogen is not found in Ireland because it is not found in a free state.

When you breathe, you inspire. When you do not breathe, you expire.

Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes, and caterpillars.

Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative.

The moon is a planet just like the Earth, only it is even deader.

The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.

A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is.

For fainting: Rub the person's chest, or, if it's a lady, rub her arm above the hand. Or put her head between the knees of the nearest medical doctor.

Equator: a menagerie lion running around Earth through Africa.

Rhubarb: a kind of celery gone bloodshot.

The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have been taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is so that there is something to hitch the meat to.

To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose.

The body consists of three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain. The borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowels, of which there are five - A, E, I, O, and U.
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by Madeline Cauthon on Thu Mar 25, 2010 11:35 am

Here's a pic of Gawain from another board. He was transformed into well.... this. Enjoy!!!!!

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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by Madeline Cauthon on Tue Apr 20, 2010 11:57 am

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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by Beastie on Tue Apr 20, 2010 1:02 pm

Ok so got this in an email from my sister-in-law. I thought it was to funny. In no way am I bashing anyone or anything like that. Those that know me know my sense of humor and such. So please enjoy this as what it is meant to be....a joke.

NOTE: If you are sensitive to homosexual-natured jokes, do not read further.
-----------
---

Gay Frank goes into the doctor's office and has some tests run. The doctor comes back and says, "Frank, I am not going to beat around the bush. You have AIDS."

Frank is devastated. "Doc, what can I do?"

The doctor says "I want you to go home and eat 5 pounds of spicy sausage, a head of cabbage, 20 unpeeled carrots drenched in hot sauce, 10 jalapeno peppers, 40 walnuts and peanuts, 1/2 box of Grapenuts cereal, and top it off with a gallon of prune juice."

Frank asks, "Will that cure me, Doc?"

"No, but it will teach you what your ass is for."
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by Beastie on Fri Apr 23, 2010 12:57 pm

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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by Beastie on Fri Apr 23, 2010 1:36 pm

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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by Xavier on Tue Apr 27, 2010 11:03 pm

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman go into a pub and each orders a Guiness. Upon being served, each of them finds a fly in their beer.

Repulsed, the Englishman sends his back.

The Scotsman casually flicks the fly out of his mug and begins drinking the beer.

The Irishman, carefully lifts the fly up and out by its wings. He stares the fly right in the face and screams, "Spit it out! I said spit it out, you little bastard!"
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by Beastie on Wed Apr 28, 2010 1:37 pm

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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by Xavier on Sun May 16, 2010 11:46 pm

Good grief....it seems that cats are not immune to spousal disputes either. >> Jerry, Jerry, Jerry.....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ESRXL3n57xU&feature=player_embedded
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by Madeline Cauthon on Mon Jun 07, 2010 8:21 pm

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Re: Joke of the Day

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